The Captain and the Cabin Boy
by CreamLemon
Summary: In an alternate reality Elizabeth saves Jack's life when they meet the first time. It's JackElizabeth but has slashy themes, so beware. The MSTed version is available through my livejournal, and it's even better.


The Captain and the Cabin Boy

A/N: This is a _parody. _It's supposed to be funny. If you don't get along with slash, don't bother, because you wont like this. It is also mildly insulting to the characters.There is an MST version of it posted on my live journal(follow the link in my profile) along withMSTed versions of some other badfic. These are even funnier than this and you should go over thereand check them out.

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Captain Jack was, without any measure of doubt, the sexiest Pirate on the face of the earth. Never mind that he never showered, hadn't brushed his hair since he was fifteen, and then there was the fact that his trousers were always crusty in the front, but that was beside the point. After all, he looked like Johnny Depp. 

Elizabeth Swann was the most beautiful anorexic in the world. When she put on a corset she could span her entire waist with her hands. She was also very brave and manly, and liked to dress in drag. She was good with a sword, and could only be defeated in a fight if someone waved a doughnut in her face. Then she would drop to her knees and burst into tears.

Ever since she was a little girl she wanted to become a drag king and go be a pirate. She didn't think about the fact that pirates killed people and didn't shower. She just knew that they got to wave their middle fingers at poufs like Norrington and her father, and she liked that, because she was a spoiled brat, and hated that she was born into high society. (Though I'm sure she would have hated it more to be born in a gutter on the streets of London, growing up without owning a pair of shoes and being forced into prostitution at age 12 to help pay her drunken father's gambling debts.)

So as soon as she was old enough she traded her corsets for a set of trousers and a hat and took off to join a pirate ship. That was were she met Captain Jack Sparrow.

He was so drunk that he fell overboard as the ship was approaching the docks. His men knew this was for the best, so they didn't try to go after him, but Elizabeth saw him go under and jumped in to rescue him.

Pulling him up onto the beach a la the Little Mermaid Elisabeth pushed aside the passed-out man's dreadlocks (which reminded her of the hairballs her cat would leave for her at the foot of her bed) and gazed into his beautiful face. "I've never met a man who wore so much eye shadow," she said to herself as his lashes fluttered open and he looked at her.

He saw the youthful face and men's clothing, and a very nice hat. "Boy. You saved my live. To thank you I will offer you a place as a cabin boy on my pirate ship."

"I've always wanted to be a pirate," she told him, not correcting him about her sex.

The crew, saddened that their insane captain did not perish, shook their heads at the poor boy he brought onboard. They always felt bad for the new cabin boys, because Captain Jack had a fetish, and liked to tie them to the wheel and bugger the shit out of them, and this one was exceptionally pretty.

Elizabeth had fallen in love with the Captain, and kept glued to his side at all times, so that night it was easy for him to push her up against the wheel. "You're the prettiest boy I've ever seen," Jack told her. "You could stand to eat something, but besides that. . ." Captain Jack kissed her roughly, and though the wood of the wheel dug into her back, she didn't care.

Because if there was one thing she wanted more than to be a pirate, it was to fuck one.

"Captain," she gasped as he nibbled on her ear and made her squirm. "There's something I have to tell you."

"Be a good boy and take down your trousers," he told her, and hopelessly, she did as she asked.

"But captain, I--"

"Am I going to have to tie you to the wheel, boy?"

Elizabeth shut up, and let Jack bugger her. Halfway through the act went to give her a reach around and found nothing to grab onto. "You're a woman!" he cried out.

"Yes! Don't stop!" She never knew being buggered by a smelly Pirate would turn her own so much.

But at the realization that his boy was a girl, Jack shriveled and pulled out. "Sorry luv. I don't like women. We'll let you off at the next port, savvy?"

The End.


End file.
